Breathing Underwater

Over the years I have moments of DeJa’Vu where I will see an image, person or be in a familiar place. This is reminiscent of my dreams in the day and at night. Sometimes I drift off and think of the possibilities in the daylight. At these very moments I stop and WRITE IT DOWN, so I don’t forget my idea and am able to look into what is or was on my mind. A lot of time I have no clue, so I go to look up colors, symbols or even sit and think about my next move and what this moment is telling me. Some call its intuition but like to think of it as my foretelling. Yes, I believe and faith in many things that are unseen. Then there are those times at night when I am sleep and unconsciously thinking about something, someone is trying to tell me something or a big event is going to happen in my life, which is a foretelling or sort of warning for me. Other times I have seemingly easy dreams of the future, where I will picture a seen with people known and unknown. In this space unconsciously I feel like I am in another world but present in the know. Hard to explain these dreams, moments you can only visualize them as occur. Motherhood has taken me down roads I did not see, places I thought I wouldn’t go and at times in a financial strain. During my hardest times, when I was out of cash, facing a 24hr PGE notice I began to dream. The most amazing dream came to me where I was under water, yes, underwater in the sea. It was cloudy blue green water below, but I could see clearly and found a cave to go inside because I did not know where I was and was scared.

My feeling of being scared came from not knowing how to swim but mostly by being alone while surrounded by such a huge space with which I was unfamiliar. When I went into this cave out of curiosity, I took a look around inside and found a chest of jewelry, of course, but then as I came out to another side I saw whole new world, like a city underwater. Yes, then as I looked, I saw what looked to be a stand for rides, at a fair so I went up to see. When I went to the top it was like an amusement park and I felt normal again so, I began to walk around and even play some games with people like me. Then after a while I went below to the sea again and inside the cave. I was stuck down there and found a beach like area with sand outside the cave that I could spend time together, with my thoughts; figuring out where I was and how to get out. Writing in the sand with a stick all of a sudden, I saw a huge sea turtle swim over me and then another one from the opposite direction. Never have I ever seen anything like this before so in amazement I looked up to see the turtles above me. They were huge, like the size of large fishing boats drifting above me. I began to feel a sense of fear when another one, a third came swimming, then as I looked up, they were circling above me. I had no clue why and began to think of the town above, with the games and people like me and wondered why I was stuck down here in a sea with turtles. It was a feeling like something huge was going to happen to m and I was unaware of when or what it would be. I have always carried this dream around with me and today I saw one of the same sea turtles as my screen saver on my laptop, when I opened it to study. That dream was over 12years ago, when I had my 1st daughter, my Luvbug. This was a time of strife for me because I couldn’t see a way out of my situation of working so hard and going without. This came from low wages, like $13/hr. and over two weeks after taxes that came to about $1100, excluding rent, day care fees, car insurance, car note, gas, clothes for work, clothes for my daughter and shoes for us both. After all that plus, school field trips if I could afford them, left me with little to no cash on hand. Being without makes you creative and you can make anything work out of nothing if you use what you have. I knew that I did not want to be in that place for long, so I thought of ways to get out of this bind and stabilize myself to anchor my child. I had to work overtime on applications, programs to help me with my resume and build skills to reapply in the workforce after being out for so long. I had to regain my skills, education and rethink a plan for me and my baby, that was my own. For a long time, I had leaned in on her father to cover my financial mistakes, but after he was incarcerated, I felt what it was like to be alone. This was the period when I began to dream and journal. When I woke up the next day, I looked up sea turtle dreams and found that they signify good luck, the ability to accept and adapt to change, wisdom, fertility and longevity. This dream would be the foretelling for my unforeseen future over the next 10years, bringing two children and changes in myself. Before I had my daughter I would put on my DKNY shoes, my GUESS jeans and shirt, MAC makeup, Channel perfume and of course my Coach Bag. None of this mattered when I became a mother and I never looked back on what I left behind, only what was in front of me. In a sense this dream signified the change I was undergoing as being a new mother, having less and living a new life. At the time I could not see it, but they always say, hindsight is 20/20. Living in the present I took on a whole new life a mom when I had my LuvBug. Instead of fashion labels, I bought baby labels like; Enfamil, Stride Rite, Huggies, Gerber, Gymboree and Granimals. I lost myself but could not see it. When I looked in the mirror after being a mom, I was a shell of my old self not recognizing the new woman in the mirror. I used to constantly stay looking at the material things built around me, adding the price up of a day out. This time around the sun after my daughter, I looked at the change to ride the bus at times and counted many coin bags to buy bread and milk. When I was hungry with no food, I didn’t eat to feed my daughter, so she would have a plate and never thought twice about it. Unconditional giving. Then I had my son, with a heart open I embraced him with nothing but love. This time around proved to be harder than expected when he was premature, born at 36 weeks. My employer made me come back to work a day early, I regret it to this day. My son had to be in daycare when he was so little, I cried for 3 months. Then of course my car broke down, when I lived on Monticello in Oakland. If you know that area then you know it is 1 bus, that runs there ever 1 hour. Still having to work and support myself and 2 kids I woke up early morning at 4am to go outside in the cold and wait for the bus with my 4yr old and 1yr old, for a year. My car was never reliable at a point and was always breaking down on me. This was so hard because I would see people ride by me and not offer a ride, get off work with people and they would not even ask if I needed a ride to the bus stop to pick 1 of 2 kids up, going to the grocery store on the bus with 2 kids and bags of food is not easy. When it rained it poured and we were still on the bus in the cold. We always had fun together no matter what it was an adventure and I made sure that my children were loved, well taken care of and engaged with them daily on our long bus rides. We walked everywhere, and on these walks to the park, $1store (toys) or corner store for ice cream we shared our days, dreams and what we would like to do. Jobs come and go but I always remember being let go during Christmas time. It was horrible, my luv bug was 6 I think and son 2. The only thing that kept me going was making cookies with sprinkles, because my house was filled with so much love, memories and happiness; nothing mattered. I knew I would get through it and why moving forward, with intention and in faith is necessary. Today when I woke up and saw this sea turtle on my screensaver, I knew it was a sign for me, finding myself. You see these images on HP are automatically generated, and this was for me and you. It is not a coincidence but my angels sending me a foretelling that even underwater you can breathe. Everything happens for a reason, and this is one of those nostalgic moments when you have to keep moving forward thru whatever comes your way. Even though there is no understanding of what may be happening, believe that things work out for your benefit when you stay at peace and believe in yourself.

Love Always,

Mz. E